Killing Mrs Norris
by SiriousB1
Summary: Chapter 4 is up Rated for language. It seems that nothing can stop the cats and dogs from fighting until... Also, it is the dreaded Singing Curse! Beware the singing of songs in a terrible manner! Cover your ears and head on over to Dumbledore's office!
1. Armor, Time, Halibuts and Other Mayhem

Disclaimer - I don't own the Harry Potter series nor do I own the right to kill Mrs. Norris. I also don't own the novel Killing Mr. Griffin or swear words from the Artemis Fowl stories. 

Killing Mrs. Norris Chapter 1: Suits of Armor, Time, Halibuts and Other Mayhem

Scene: A girl of 5'5" who is perhaps in her middle teenage years creeps along the deserted corridor, her back against the wall. She has glasses and was wearing, not Hogwarts robes, but black stretch pants and a black t-shirt that read, "I'm only wearing black until they make something darker."

SiriousB1: snicker, snicker I'll get you my pretty...my precious...my...um...well, Argus Filch's cat!

In the girl's hand was an object, but what it was could not be perceived for it was hidden by the darkness of the hallway. Quite suddenly the girl stopped and sniffed the air like a hound searching for a fox. Her head snapped sideways and she darted behind a suit of armor just as a group of people rounded the corner.

Ron: And the man said, 'Gee, it's too bad there was only one left!'

The students burst into laughter. The hidden girl was very confused, but there was not much she could do about it without going up to the group and asking what the joke was that the punch line came from.

The crew was a strange mob of people, indeed. One had glasses and a lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead, one had big hair (though not quite an afro) and had her nose buried in a book, two (one male and older looking, the other female) had fiery red hair and the final, another male, stumbled every few moments.

SiriousB1 (thinking): Strange...what on earth could this group be doing up at three o'clock in the morning? Curious, very curious.

Neville: It's a good thing that we have this period off. I'm surprised that the teachers all agreed; I wonder what happened to have the Headmaster let the entire school have a free period?

Hermione: I heard something like all the teachers needed to get together for an emergency meeting in the staff room. Something about schedule changes...

Harry: I heard it has something to do with a special Quidditch program that they are still perfecting...

Ron: Nah, they probably just thought that we were all such descent students that we needed a break.

Mysterious New Voice: Descent? Descent would be being able to afford a new robe, Weasley.

The five looked up, farther down the hallway, and saw Draco Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle walking sleazily towards them. The two bigger fellows stood behind and to the side of the slim one like bodyguards.

During all this excitement, the secreted girl looked at her purple/silver digital watch. She tapped it, put it to her ear and concluded that it was working. However, she was still mystified with the fact that these students would be having classes at 3 AM.

Harry: What do you want, Malfoy?

Draco: There's no need for that tone of voice, Potter. It's a free period; we're just wandering the halls.

Ginny: Bet you're not. Bet you're going around just trying to exert yourself with nuisance. You're just a good for nothing ass.

Draco smiled viciously. Crabbe and Goyle chuckled behind him, their arms folded across their chests.

SiriousB1 (thinking): Definitely your everyday group of teenagers. Now, why are they up so early?!

Draco: Come on, Weasley number two; show some respect to your elders. We wouldn't want there to be an accident of any kind, now would we?

The slimy haired (yet incredible fortunate looking) boy snickered along with his cronies. The concealed girl is searching her mind trying to find reason as to why the students are up. And then it hits her...

SiriousB1 (thinking): Ah...now I see. My watch says 3 AM, but it is, in fact 8 AM. Had I not been in such a rush to leave Chicago, I would have realized that I forgot to change my watch the five hours ahead to British time. Hmm...I'll have to remember to check that next time.

As the girl twiddles with the buttons on her watch, totally oblivious to the argument brewing in front of her, she has to stifle a soft yell of triumph. It was not everyday that her brain was able to comprehend such sort of logic. Sure she was smart enough, but only when she wanted to be.

Meanwhile, Hermione snapped her book shut unexpectedly and put it in her bag.

Hermione: Just because you have a bit more money than the rest of us, doesn't give you the right to harass us.

Draco (laughing an evil laugh): Come off it, Granger. Mudbloods have no right to get mixed up with the dealings of real wizards. Not that they rest of your group are very good ones.

Hermione: Be careful, Malfoy. You wouldn't want to end up like Mr. Griffin.

All heads turn towards her and fourteen eyebrows raise.

Neville: Who is Mr. Griffin?

Hermione (sighing): Honestly, am I the only one who reads? The novel Killing Mr. Griffin is about exactly what it says: people who kill Mr. Griffin!

Draco: You could have just said that I might wind up dead. Not all of us read silly Muggle novels.

Hermione (eyes tearing): It's not silly!

The girl behind the armor rolled her eyes at the group. Since her watch had been adjusted, she had started to pay attention to the annoying jabbering back and forth of the kids.

SiriousB1 (thinking): For the love of Jellybeans, just punch each other already! God, even my arguments aren't that boring!

Harry: Come one, Griffindors; we're going to be late for our next class.

Draco (mimicking Harry): Come on, Gryffindors! We might be late, Gryffindors! Who died and made you God, Potter? Perfect Potter!

Crabbe and Goyle chuckled randomly and Draco continued to make fun of the others.

Draco (still mimicking): Give me your dinners, Gryffindors! Lick my shoes, Gryffindors! Suck my...

But he didn't get to finish for, at exactly that moment, Argus Filch turned the corner.

Filch: What are you all doing here? You're late for classes!

Ron: Sorry, sir, but we were just on our way. You see Dra...

Filch: Shut up, boy! I don't care to hear your troubles! Just get a move on!

But, yet again, nothing was accomplished by this for, at exactly at that moment (not the one before!), Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris popped seemingly out of nowhere and rubbed up against Filch's legs.

Behind the suit of armor, the girl froze. Her eyes widened and a faint smile played across her lips.

SiriousB1 (thinking): No! Not now, not here, not now! Must control myself! Don't do anything; ignore the cat, ignore the cat, ignore the...

But she couldn't ignore the cat. Her entire body started shaking, and her hand reached out next to her onto the floor where the object that we couldn't see before lay. It was: a halibut!

::Clink, clink, clink!::

Everyone's heads turned toward a suit of armor that was, to their horror, shivering.

Crabbe: Oh my God! It's alive!

Goyle: Run for your life!

Draco: No, you fool, it can't be alive; it's a suit of armor! It must be a spell!

Immediately following Draco's words, all of their hands went to their ears as an insane laugh rang out from behind the metal junk, which had just collapsed to the ground.

SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHAHA!! Now I've got you, cat! You won't escape! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

They all stared as an obviously psychotic girl came running out of the spot where the armor once stood. She leapt over the heap of silver that was the armor and ran at full speed towards Filch!

Filch: AHHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! I'M GONNA DIE, I'M GONNA DIE!!!

Neville: Didn't she say cat, not caretaker?

SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ron (whispering to Ginny): Why is she swinging around a fish?

The mysterious (and loud) girl pushed Filch to the ground and raced down the hallway. As the students ran after her they saw Mrs. Norris dashing in front of her, narrowly dodged the dead halibut every time it was swung around.

SiriousB1: You won't escape, cat!! Die!!!

The girl gave a final swing at the mangy cat, missed and cursed loudly.

SiriousB1: D'Arvit!!

She stopped dead in her tracks and swung the fish around like she was Kerry Wood. Fortunately (for her at least), she did not play for the Chicago Cubs like Kerry Wood and hit her target straight on.

Mrs. Norris: MEOW!!!!!!!!!!

SiriousB1: MWAHAHAHA!!

Sadly, the girl wasn't paying attention to the crowd (which was growing large now with students who had heard the odd raucous) that was gathering behind her as she scampered off after her prey.

Hermione: Oh, bother! This is ridiculous...

Filch: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! MRS. NORRIS!!!!!!!!!

Hermione reached into her robes and pulled out her wand. She wasn't the only one...

Hermione, Harry, Ron, Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape and Flitwick: IMMOBULIS!!! (A/N: Or however you spell that...)

The running girl froze with one leg up in the air, getting ready for her next stride that would never come; at that moment, anyway. Filch scrambled to his feet (he was still laying down where he had been shoved aside) and ran over to the spot down the hallway where Mrs. Norris's limp body and the slimy halibut lay.

Filch (sobbing): Mrs. Norris...poor Mrs. Norris...

SiriousB1: Let...me...go...let...me...go!

Dumbledore: Amazing...simply astounding...

Filch: What is?! That Muggle just killed my cat with a fish!

Snape: I believe what the Headmaster means is that it is incredible for this Muggle girl to have not been fully affected by the spell.

McGonagall: Let alone get into Hogwarts unnoticed.

Dumbledore nodded at Snape, who walked over to the frozen figure and held onto her arms. Dumbledore then raised his wand and muttered a counter curse and the girl's stiff body relaxed. That is, of course, before she started thrashing around like a fish (halibut?) on dry land.

Harry: Professor, let me explain! Me, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Ginny were walking down the hall because of our free...

But he was cut off with a wave of Dumbledore's hand.

Dumbledore: Not here, Harry. You, all the people you just mentioned except for Neville, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle follow me. Same with you, Argus, and Minerva. Flitwick, see that these students remaining in the hall return to their dormitories immediately. We're going to get to the bottom of this. Severus...

Snape (grunting as he tried to hold down the thrashing girl): Yes sir?

Dumbledore: You come with us too. Draco, if you would assist your teacher?

Draco went over to Snape and grabbed the flailing arm of the girl's that had managed to escape the Professor's grip.

Dumbledore: Come!

The group of people started down the hall, apparently going to Dumbledore's office. Filch was crying uncontrollably as he carried Mrs. Norris's dead body in his arms.

Ginny (whispering to Hermione): That girl must be crazy!

SiriousB1 (overhearing Ginny): Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a rubber room, rubber room. It was cold in that rubber room. I died in that rubber room. They buried me deep, very deep. The worms...they drove me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a...

McGonagall (rolling eyes): Shut up!

SiriousB1: room, rubber room. It was cold in that rubber room. I died in that rubber room. They buried me deep, very deep. The worms...they drove me crazy! Crazy? I was...

Everyone plugged their ears and they walked up a staircase. Snape and Draco were now dragging the girl up the stairs by her arms, her legs kicking madly.

SiriousB1: ...crazy once! They locked me in a rubber room, rubber room. It was cold in that rubber room. I died in that rubber room. They buried me deep, very...

All but SiriousB1: SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!!!!

Next chapter.  
An inquiry of the strange girl takes place. What has compelled her to kill Filch's cat; with a dead fish no less? How did she break into Hogwarts and why is Ginny's hair turning blue? Who is that wolf-like dog that wanders into Dumbledore's office and what is Mrs. Norris doing floating in midair? And...GASP!!! Is that a truth potion that Snape is holding? What truths shall it reveal? All these questions and more shall be answered in Chapter 2 of Killing Mrs. Norris: Questions, Guests, Aliens and More


	2. Questions, Guests, Aliens and More

Disclaimer: I do not own any HP characters, I don't own any quotes from The Princess Bride, King Louie the 16th, Artemis Fowl the 2nd, or King Henry the 4th. 

Killing Mrs. Norris

Chapter 2: Questions, Guests, Aliens and More

SiriousB1: in that rubber room, rubber room. I died in that rubber room. They buried me deep...

Scene: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Crabbe, Goyle, Draco, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Filch, Snape and Mrs. Norris's dead, mangy body were all gathered in Dumbledore's office. In the center of the room was a wooden chair with a soft, padded seat. In that chair sat a girl. Not any ordinary girl, mind you, but a crazy, cat-killing freak. This girl was bound in ropes that had been conjured up out of nowhere by one of the three Professors.

SiriousB1: ...very deep. The worms. They drove me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a...

Draco: We're going to lock you in a cell in Azkaban if you don't shut up!

Everyone except for SiriousB1 nod in agreement.

Dumbledore: Now, miss; what we have to say to you today is very important. You have...

Filch: Committed a serious crime!! You have killed my cat! I shall now write the Ministry and send a few dementors out here!

Dumbledore: You will do nothing of the sort, Argus!

But, at exactly that moment, the evidently mad girl started in a frenzy of kicking and screaming the word...

SiriousB1: CAT!!!!

Professor McGonagall raised her wand and cast a spell to make the girl calm down. (A/N: Yeah, I don't think one of those exist, but bear with me here...)

McGonagall: Why don't we all settle down! If we are going to get to the bottom of this, then we all must stay calm.

Dumbledore: Thank you, Minerva. Now, if you will all have a seat?

The staff and students looked around. Snape and McGonagall claimed the large, padded, red seats on either side of the door. Hermione took the seat opposite Dumbledore's by his desk. Harry, Ron, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle could find no other seats, so they sat on the ground, grumbling. Filch refused to sit even when seats were available. He leaned against the staircase's railing and petted his dead cat as if it were still alive.

SiriousB1's left eye twitched violently but she kicked no more.

Dumbledore: Before we start this interrogation, we must know the name of our felon.

SiriousB1: ...

Dumbledore: Um...

Snape: You, girl! What is your name?

SiriousB1: Hmm?

Snape: What is your name?

SiriousB1 (mimicking): What is your name?!

Snape: Stop doing that!

SiriousB1 (mimicking): Stop doing that!

Snape: What the hell is your name?!

SiriousB1 (mimicking): What the hell is your...

Ron: Shut up!

SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHA!

Hermione: Oh, honestly!

She got up out of her chair (which was then immediately occupied by Draco) and walked over to the girl.

Harry: Careful Hermione!

Hermione (ignoring Harry and speaking toward the girl): It's okay; we're not going to hurt you. Just tell us your name.

SiriousB1 (faintly): Name...?

Hermione: Yes, your name.

SiriousB1: My name is Indigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die!

Hermione: Isn't that from a movie or a book or something?

Dumbledore: Actually, it is...

Harry: Wait! So, what is your name?

SiriousB1: I do not disclose such personal information to people I have hardly been introduced to first.

Everyone flinches backwards at the girl's sudden vocabulary and long sentence.

Draco: Sheesh...

Dumbledore: Very well. (He points to each person as he says his or her name.) That is Argus Filch, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Harry Potter, Ronald Weasely and I am Albus Dumbledore.

SiriousB1: SiriousB1.

McGonagall: Pardon?

SiriousB1: My name is SiriousB1.

Draco (snorting): Impossible! No one's name has a number in it!

SiriousB1 (snorting): You stoopid!!! Names can have numbers in them!

Draco: Yeah? Anyone besides yours?

SiriousB1 (nods): King Louie the 16th. Artemis Fowl the 2nd. Henry the...

Draco: Not like that!!

Hermione: What Malfoy means is that you can't have a numeral in you name that immediately follows the name.

SiriousB1: Oh...I know!

Draco (blinking): Then how can your name be SiriousB1?

SiriousB1: It's not!

Everyone throws ands up in the air. They are back where they started. SiriousB1 grins and giggles like the maniac that she is.

Dumbledore: Okay, let's try this ONE more time! What is your REAL name?

SiriousB1: I can't tell you.

Everyone: WHY THE HELL NOT??!!

SiriousB1: I refuse to give out my real name online.

Everyone: Huh?

SiriousB1: Okay, I give in...my name is Mary!

Everyone began clapping. They had finally accomplished something.

Filch: Great, great! So now we have her name! Everyone get the confetti and balloons! HELLO! MY CAT IS STILL DEAD HERE!

Everyone freezes as SiriousB1's left eye begins twitching violently again.

SiriousB1: Cat...?

Ron: Dog! He said dog!

To everyone's relief, the girl stopped convulsing and relaxed in her chair.

McGonagall: Now, why did you kill Argus's...um...pet?

Draco: With a halibut, no less?

SiriousB1: Pet? You mean his cat?

Everyone sweat drops.

SiriousB1: Oh! I killed her because she is evil and cannot be trusted. I have information that she is in league with the cats from Trigun, Jeepers Creepers, Fushigi Yûgi, and Harriet the Spy.

Everyone stands still for a moment (all with confused looks on their faces) and then sigh with relief. She didn't go psycho on them!

Dumbledore: That's all good and well (at this point, Filch grumbles something about how having his cat dead is all good and well), but how did you get into Hogwarts? I didn't detect you and Hagrid would have told me if he had seen you on grounds.

SiriousB1: You ask a lot of questions.

Ron: We've only asked three!

Draco: She's American; she is too stoopid to answer more than half of a question without having her brain fry!

SiriousB1: Oh yeah? Well, then, why did you spell the word stupid "s-t-o-o-p-i-d"?

Draco (looks at script): Aw, shit!

SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHA!

Snape: Just answer the question!!!

SiriousB1: Okay, okay, sheesh! Well, um, let me think...first I woke up in my little house that is outside Chicago. Then, I realized how all the movies and stuff that I've been watching lately have contained cats. So, I figured that they were in a conspiracy against me.

Everyone: ?????

SiriousB1 (ignoring them): This thought was confirmed when remove all seven of my advice columns when I claimed that I disliked cats. Also, my friends like cats. Well, actually, most of them are dog people, but, all the same!

Filch: So, you killed my cat because a website got rid of a story that you wrote?

SiriousB1: Something like that!

McGonagall: That still doesn't answer how you got into England, let alone Hogwarts. You look too young to travel to another country by yourself.

SiriousB1: Well, it was quite simple, actually. I went to the O'Hare Airport and followed one of the passengers (I had the seat next to theirs, and therefore a similar ticket) until I got on the plane. They all thought that I was their daughter! Then, I used my teleportation powers to sneak past customs and get here!

Hermione: Wait a minute. Two things: 1. If you had teleportation powers, why didn't you just use them to get in here from the USA?...

SiriousB1: Oh yeah...

Hermione: ...and 2. Why is there a dog chewing on your ropes?

Everyone looked down and saw a rather large dog trying to rip apart the ropes that bound SiriousB1 to the chair.

Hermione, Ron and Harry: SNUFFLES!!

The Dog: BARK!

SiriousB1: Huh?

Suddenly, the dog changed into a human man. He was rather scraggly looking with an unshaven face and was rather thin.

Everyone except for Dumbledore, Snape, Harry, Ron, Hermione and SiriousB1: SIRIUS BLACK!!!???

McGonagall and Draco: What is going on?

Crabbe and Goyle: ...

Filch: I'll be darned!

Snape: It's you!!

SiriousB1: Huh?

Dumbledore: Welcome, Sirius. I've been waiting for you. A little unexpected event has taken place, but I'm sure that if you would just...

Sirius: No, it's okay. I need to tell you something. This girl...she is not bad. She is on our side.

Filch: She killed my cat! I want to see some punishment!

SiriousB1: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: ...

SiriousB1: That girl in the corner is trying to say something.

Everyone glances around to see Ginny who is standing up in a corner at the back of the room.

Dumbledore: Miss. Weasley?

Ginny: Um...I think I can explain what is going on. Sirius and SiriousB1 are, in fact, complete strangers: they have never met. However, on account that Sirius is an animargius that can turn into a dog, SiriousB1 is able to sense that he is on her side, just as Sirius can sense that she is on his. Both of them are major members of B.A.R.F., or, Beings Against Rabid Felines.

Filch: My cat was not rabid!!

SiriousB1: So, you've found me out. All right, I'll tell you what's going on. I am the head of America's B.A.R.F. and Sirius here is the head of England's B.A.R.F. I didn't know who he was until today; all I was told by some other British dude was that I was to meet another member of B.A.R.F. here after I proved myself.

Filch: That doesn't explain the fact that my cat was not rabid!

Sirius: By rabid, we mean crazy. Not infected with rabies.

SiriousB1 nods.

Ginny: In addition to being partners in B.A.R.F. Sirius and SiriousB1 share the same format in names, as do all of the countries leader of B.A.R.F. do.

SiriousB1: Good job, Carrot Top. You got us. Now, you want to tell us how you know...

Ginny (smiling): I have connections.

SiriousB1: ...and why has your hair suddenly changed to neon blue over a period of two seconds?

The room erupted in talk. Most were trying to get a look at Ginny's hair and were commenting about what was going on, but SiriousB1 had stood from her chair (Sirius had removed the final cords while the rest of them were talking) and pointed at the girl.

SiriousB1: You're...you're...!!!

Sirius: You're one of them, aren't you!!!???

Ginny: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Ron: Ginny, what the hell have you been smoking? I'm telling mom!

Ginny: BWAHAHHAHAHA!!!

Snape: What the fu...?

Dumbledore (sobbing): I'm helpless, save me, save me! I don't know how to do anything; it's all an act! Help me!

McGonagall: Shut up! (Knocks the Headmaster over the head with her wand and he passes out on the floor.)

Sirius and SiriousB1 are crouching by the wall, cornered by the now-blue-haired Ginny.

Ginny (in an alien-hissing-like voice): We have finally found you! Now you shall die!!

Sirius and SiriousB1: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Hermione (in an alien-hissing-like voice): Our leader wants you dead. Our leader must be obeyed. You cannot escape!

Draco (running to corner): Holy Mother of Kentucky Fried Chicken!!

Crabbe and Goyle: ...

Ron: What the heck is going on?

Harry: Run away!

SiriousB1 and Sirius: AHHHHHHHH!!

McGonagall: I am confuzzled.

Snape: I say the same thing as Ron except with more severe language.

Filch (in an alien-hissing-like voice): Destroy them! Do it now!!! They have killed the Ambassador of our society; now we shall have to find a new contact to send to Mars. Kill them!

Snape: IMMOBULUS!

Ginny, Filch and Hermione freeze.

Snape (snickering): I'll have to thank you when you get out of that, Granger. I wouldn't have thought of it if you hadn't used it in the hall.

Snape whips around and shoots ropes out of his wand that bind Sirius and SiriousB1, who had been sneaking toward the door.

Snape: You aren't going anywhere, fools. I am going to figure out what the hell is going on here if my life depends on it!

McGonagall: Good going, Severus. I daresay that you have quite possibly saved all of our lives.

Draco, Harry, Ron, Crabbe and Goyle come out of their hiding spots and step over the three blue-haired figures that lay unmoving on the floor. They sit down in a huddle and are silent. They have nothing to argue about; they are all so confused and scared that they had run out of things to say.

Snape: ASSIO TRUTH POTION!

Immediately, a potion bottle came whizzing through the door and into the Professor's hand.

Snape: Now, we'll figure everything out. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

He smiled viciously and the two figures wrapped in ropes shivered violently, unable to speak. The three frozen figures on the other side of the room had the appearance of a mouse ready to have a metal strip crush its tiny body. Snape Truth Potion Psychotic, scary, insane, bizarre, runaway situation and duck and cover.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other. This was going to be a long day.

NEXT CHAPTER: It's going to be a dog-and-cat fight between the two different races. The bystanders are making terrible mistakes by dropping things and Crabbe and Goyle are, for some reason, falling asleep! What will the truth potion reveal about the strange, alien race and the cat-hating leaders of B.A.R.F.? And, why is Dumbledore on the floor acting like a four-year-old?  
Find out next chapter: DOGS, CATS, PROBLEMS, ETC.


	3. Dogs, Cats, Problems, Etc

Disclaimer: I do not own any HP characters, Tonka toys, Lincoln logs, Dr. Evil's quotes from the Austin Powers movies, the film Cats and Dogs, John Candy's quote from Spaceballs, or the Ancient Egyptian Cat Goddess. 

Killing Mrs. Norris

Chapter 3: Dogs, Cats, Problems, Etc.

Scene: Professor Severus Snape, Professor Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfory, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle are either standing or sitting in the center of Dumbledore's office. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is sitting on the floor playing with some random object. SiriousB1 and Sirius Black are bound in thick brown ropes and are lying collectively by a table leg. The human-turned-blue-haired-aliens (i.e. Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, and Argus Filch) lay frozen by a spell on the ground about three yards away from the two in bindings.

Snape (holding up bottle): This truth potion shall reveal everything that we need to know to figure out what this mess is about.

McGonagall: I say we start by releasing the...aliens from their spell.

Snape nodded and raised his wand. He dropped it for a moment, but quickly picked it back up. The sprawled figures suddenly snapped to life, only to be bound in ropes like the other captives. They grumbled and tried to twist their way out of them, but for nothing.

Snape: Now, who shall go first? The alien freaks, my mortal enemy or this completely mental American chick?

SiriousB1: Don't call me a 'chick'!

The remaining students (who really only wanted to get out of the office) were silent. They had never seen any of their teachers act so crazy before and they really didn't want to. And since two students' best friend and one of their sisters was now found out to be a form from another planet only added to that fact.

Ginny: Let them go first.

Sirius: Why us?

Ginny: Because you always save the best for last.

SiriousB1 and Sirius: HEY! We resent that!

Ginny, Filch and Hermione: Serves you right for killing our ambassador!

SiriousB1 (snorting): And it was darned easy too!

The two groups started fidgeting violently and their bindings seemed to be threatening to break, so Snape jumped in.

Snape: I think that the aliens should go first because they volunteered the other group. (The blue-haired ones look shocked and the other two prisoners snickered) So, if you would kindly pick one of your numbers to take the potion? Or, am I going to have to pick for you?

Hermione: I'll do it! But I warn you, human-wizard-man, you will get nothing from me!

Her companions nodded their heads in agreement. Ron looked at them in disbelief. Did they really think that anything force-fed to them by Professor Severus Snape was going to be easy to fight against?

Dumbledore: Inky binky bonky! Daddy bought a donkey! Donkey died, Daddy cried, inky binky bonky!

Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to face him. He was sitting with his legs to the side so that he had a small, empty place in front of him. Well, not empty exactly. He had apparently conjured up a bunch of Tonka toys and Lincoln Logs to play with. He realized that they were all gaping at him and looked up.

Dumbledore (blinking): What?

McGonagall: I thought I knocked you out!

Dumbledore (dropping a Tonka Truck and picking it back up): You did? Oh, yeah! I woke up 'cause I wanted to play with my toys.

Draco (thoroughly confuzzled): You wanted to play with your toys?

Dumbledore: So? You got pwabwam wit dat?

Draco shook his head nervously. Somehow, a powerful wizard who was acting like a spoiled brat didn't seem like the kind of person to mess with. Draco suddenly dropped a random item that has no significance to this story (except for the fact that it is being dropped) and picked it back up again.

Harry: Headmaster, what happened to you? (Dumbledore gives him a questioning look) I mean, why are you acting like a little kid? I mean, you talk like yourself (well, most of the time), but you act like a toddler!

Dumbledore: The doctors said it was bound to happen some day. You see, I was dropped on my head as a baby and thus became too smart for my own good. I went through school so fast that I missed most of my adolescence.

McGonagall: Well, at least he knows what's happening to him.

She then proceeded to try and put a sleeping curse on him. Much to her regret, however, Sirius chose exactly that moment to try and wiggle his way out of his ropes. He fell on his side, thus knocking into McGonagall's legs (A/N: She was standing by the table) causing her to misaim her spell. It hit Crabbe full in the knee and nicked Goyle's foot. They both went out like light bulbs.

McGonagall (sweatdrops and dropped the barrette that had fallen out of her hair): Oops...

Dumbledore (laughing childishly and clapping hands together like an idiot): Yay! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Oh shut up!

He then raised his own wand and cast a knock out spell on the Headmaster. Normally he would have gotten a suspension from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but everyone was so annoyed by Dumbledore's child-like act that they didn't care. Even Draco gave him a high-five.

Snape: Right...now, to conclude my great speech, you shall now take this potion and we shall discover what secrets are being withheld!

Harry (whispering to Ron): Here it comes...

Snape: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry (still whispering): I told you so...

Snape: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Draco: Um, Professor?

Snape: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McGonagall: All right, Scotty don't!

Snape: But I...

McGonagall: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you my new plan: Scotty don't!

Snape: My name isn't Scotty...

McGonagall (ignoring Severus Scotty Snape and grabbing the potion bottle): Take this, Miss. Granger alien person!

She then emptied half of the contents of the bottle down Hermoine's throat. At first, nothing happened. Then she started to cough, gag, choke, etc. until at last she was still. Her eyes opened very wide and her face went a milky white.

Snape (taking control again): Now, Granger, who are these cat-loving aliens?

Hermione: We are the aliens of Planet Hairball. We come to dominate the Earth by putting one of our spies into each and every one of the homes of this planet...

Ron (dropping brain): So that was were the idea came about for Cats and Dogs!

Hermione: ...We also plan to rid the world of all dogs and dog-loving creatures. We are creating a special laser beam that, by the year 62789 A.D., will be shot at this planet and wipe out all of those in the Canine Family.

Filch: Wait! I thought you weren't supposed to say anything! (Turns to Ginny) What are we going to do?

Ginny: There is nothing we can do. We have been discovered, but soon so will they.

Snape: Interesting, now what...

Hermione: Thus far, we have succeeded in placing one of our secret spies into every house in Japan, some of Europe and most of Asia.

Snape: That's fascinating, now...

Hermione: We shall not stop until we have accomplished our mission.

Snape: Great, how about...

Hermione: The lives of all dogs shall parish.

Snape: Done?

Hermione: Yes.

SiriousB1 and Sirius look quite a bit preoccupied. They seem to be making mental notes of the information spoken to tell the rest of B.A.R.F. later.

Snape: What do you have against P.U.K.E.?

Sirius: That's. B.A.R.F.!

Snape: Same difference! So, about this H.U.R.L.?

Sirius: B.A.R.F.!!!!!!!!!

Snape: R.A.L.P.H.!!!

Sirius: B.A.R.F.!!!

Snape: T.O.S.S.!!!!!

Sirius: B.A.R.F.!!!!!!

Snape: !!!!

Draco: Adults argue too much.

Ron (putting brain back in): No kidding!

Snape (he almost drops the potion bottle, but catches it at the last minute): Fine! Have it your way! B.A.R.F.! (turns back to Hermione) Now what does B.A.R.F. have to do with you?

Hermione: The Beings Against Rabid Felines have known about our alien society since Bastet founded it. The Ancient Egyptian race was, from then on, highly afraid of cats, so they worshipped them to appease them. There were those who tried to riot against us and held dogs at their temples and palaces instead of felines. B.A.R.F.'s founder is unknown to our race and we have no interest in trying to find out. Their organization is a threat to our goal and therefore must be annihilated.

SiriousB1: It's a pity that you don't know anything about us because we know an awful lot about you.

Ginny and Filch (not Hermione because she was under the influence of the truth potion) turned towards the grinning girl.

Ginny: You know nothing.

Sirius: Wanna' bet?

Filch: Yeah!

SiriousB1: Yeah?

Ginny and Filch: Yeah!

Sirius: Fine! SiriousB1 will take the truth potion when Scotty is done questioning Hermione.

Snape (turning red): Don't call me 'Scotty'!

Snape Fangirls (and some fan-guys if they swing that way): SCOTTY! SCOTTY! SCOTTY IS A HOTTIE! SCOTTY! SCOTTY! SCOTTY IS A HOTTIE!

One Random Snape Fangirl (dropping the book "The Guide to Everything Snape" and picking it back up again): Of course, by 'Scotty' we mean 'Snape'!

McGonagall: Who let them in?!

Sirius and SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

The Fangirls (and guys) suddenly disappeared as a result of the author's annoyance of too many characters.

Snape (continuing as if nothing had happened): I don't want you betting anything in this office! This is my inquiry; I'll decide what is done!

Ron (to Draco): Is he always this hotheaded?

Draco: Yeah, but I've seen worse.

Harry (dropping glasses and putting them back on): Really? When?

Draco: Well, there was this one time when he lost his Gilderoy Lockhart "Magical Me" book. You should have seen him! Woke up all of the Slytherin house, he did! He wouldn't let any of us get back to sleep until we found it. And him! He was sobbing like a Fangirl who had lost her ability to write Yaoi fics of Kurama and Hiei!

Harry and Ron (gasping): No!

McGonagall (who was secretly listening in on their conversation): What was he doing crying over one of Lockhart's books?  
Draco (shrugging): Got me.

Snape: Well now. I believe that our interview with the aliens is over. You said the American was to be given the potion?

SiriousB1: Yeah, that's me!

Snape: Very well, Yankee, open wide!

But before he could even uncork the bottle, something phenomenal happened. Well, not phenomenal, but pretty astonishing. Well, not astonishing, but something that you wouldn't suspect would happen. Well, you as the reader might expect it to happen, but...oh, hell: Filch broke out of his ropes!

Filch: I'm free!

Snape (somehow dropping his wand): DAMN!

McGonagall (somehow dropping her wand): CRAP!

Draco, Harry and Ron: Oh well.

Sirius: Aha! En guard, you freaky feline man!

Sirius broke his ropes and then bent over to release SiriousB1. Filch was madly tearing at Ginny's bindings who then cut away Hermione's. (A/N: The potion wore off of her.)

SiriousB1 (dropping halibut and picking it back up): Let's see who's the strongest now!

Ginny: Cats versus dogs!

Sirius: Canine versus Feline!

Hermione (dropping...something and picking it back up): Intelligent beings versus Dumbasses!

SiriousB1 and Sirius: WE SHALL BE VICTORIUS!

Filch: DIE!!!!!

The two groups lunged at each other. It was a vicious fight of dogs against cats, or cats against dogs, whichever you prefer. You'd think that the cat side would have an advantage, but one of their numbers was a squab or squib or whatever that word is so he could basically do nothing but throw a few soft punches. But then again, you'd think that the dog side would be at a disadvantage, but one of their members was an American. So, you know how it is!

The groups fought and fought! Hair was pulled, faces were punched, balls were kicked, teeth were knocked out, a halibut flew, etc, etc, etc! There was some blood running down the dog-side's faces for cats do have sharp claws! But there was also some blood on the cat-side's shoulders for dogs do have sharp teeth!

It was then that something unbelievable happened: the plot thickened.

Next Chapter:

When the fight dies down, what will SiriousB1 say when under the influence of the truth potion? What is that mysterious flying thing-a-majig? Why are three of the students singing karaoke? What are they singing karaoke to? And...GASP! Is McGonagall hitting on Snape? Find out in the next chapter of Killing Mrs. Norris: Crushes, Songs and More Truths.


	4. Crushes, Songs and More Truths

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, Meow Mix, Scooby Snacks, any songs that should appear in the story and should never be sung by those who did not originally sing them, or the Batmobile. 

Killing Mrs. Norris

Chapter 4: Crushes, Songs and More Truths

Scene: The cat-loving aliens and the associates of B.A.R.F. are battling with all the strength they can muster. Dumbledore, Crabbe and Goyle lay in deep slumbers on the floor in the Headmaster's office, while Harry, Ron and Draco watch the fighting nervously, betting a few galleons here and there on the outcome. Snape holds his face in his hands, fed up with the nonsense that has spoiled his day. McGonagall is eyeing him with sympathy.

Hermione: The time for cats is at hand! All dogs shall be decapitated!

Sirius: When the realm of dogs rise, all felines shall be put into dungeons and tortured with excessive amounts of puppy chow! (Mmm…puppy chow…)

Draco (to Harry): Two galleons on the dog's side winning…

Harry: You're on!

Ginny: Planet Hairball shall take over this planet and use it to their advantage!

SiriousB1: B.A.R.F. shall plant fire hydrants around every corner on your silly little planet and then release upon it a pack of dogs that just drank of five gallons of water!

Ron: Why couldn't fluffy bunnies rule the world?

McGonagall: That's it! Severus, we must do something!

Snape (getting a hold of himself): You're right, Minerva! This is no time to be determining the fate of our world!

Draco, Harry and Ron watch their teachers dig through Dumbledore's desk, whispering excitedly about some dangerous plan to cease the war.

Harry: I don't like the looks of this…

Apparently having found whatever it was they had been looking for, the teachers move to opposite ends of the room, smuggling something box-like underneath their robes.

Snape (rattling box): Here kitty, kitty, kitty…

Hermione, Ginny and Filch glance over to the potions master wearily. Using their excellent cat-like vision, they see what he is shaking and dash over to him without a moment's hesitation.

Sirius: Victory!

Harry (handing Draco money): There go my two galleons…

McGonagall (also rattling a box): Come here puppies! There's some good doggies!

While the cat-loving aliens sit by the desk passing around a box of Meow Mix as if it were a bong, the dog-loving B.A.R.F. members fight over a box of Scooby Snacks by the office door.

Snape: Good work, Minerva! Without your brain, this plan wouldn't have been possible!

McGonagall: Oh, go on!

Ron (speaking to his fellow classmates): Why didn't they think of that earlier?

Draco and Harry (shrugging): Beats us…

Snape (glancing at the two groups): Now, if I remember correctly, we left off with feeding the Yank some truth potion…

To overwhelmed with the thought of the Scooby Snacks, SiriousB1 joyfully chugs what is left of the potion Snape gives her. Soon, her body becomes rigid and stiff and then begins to twitch madly, before settling into a calm, wide-eyed stare.

McGonagall: Alright…now, you said earlier that you and your fellow B.A.R.F. member knew quite a bit about your alien enemies?

SiriousB1 (almost robotically): Indeed, for our spies have been numerous, following their race with a strong determination.

Snape: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your efforts?

SiriousB1: The most astounding fact that we have found was the growing number of humans, wizarding and Muggle, who prefer a cat's company to a dog's. Despite our efforts, people seem to prefer serving egocentric animals that have no love for their masters.

Filch: Our race represents that of power!

Ginny: We have what it takes to rule all!

Sirius: But your intentions are evil! We dogs find that sharing this Earth will bring harmony and joy to everyone, rather than having it over run by you foolish cat-fiends!

McGonagall (trying to avoid yet another argument): Getting back to our inquiry…

Snape: Yes. Now, Yank, if your…people are so intent on sharing the world, why don't you try talking to humans to gain their trust?

SiriousB1: We have tried that, but, sadly, our efforts failed. Those who heard us speak went bad, or those who did believe turned into werewolves…

Ron (gasping): You mean…!?

Sirius: Yes.

Harry: He is…?

Sirius: He is.

McGonagall: But why didn't we…?

Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't believe!

All heads turn to the bright ball of light, no bigger than a marble, that is floating madly in the center of the office. SiriousB1, who is slowly slipping out of the potion's effects, gazes at it dreamily, eyes still wide. Sirius Black's eyes are also hazing over, getting lost in the fantastic glow of the light.

Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: Remus Lupin has been working undercover with Sirius Black since their days at Hogwarts, secretly making sure the school did not become "contaminated". Little did they know that they weren't the only ones watching…

Snape: And who, you crazy, oddly astonishing ball of brightness, else was working?

Filch (snickering): I remember. Representing Planet Hairball was none other than Lily Potter!

All except the aliens (who are happy) and the B.A.R.F. members (who are currently under the influence…of the light): GASP!

Harry: Not my mom…

Hermione: Yes, young Potter, it is true. And the rulers of Planet Hairball would be more than delighted if you would follow in your mother's footsteps and join us!

The three aliens each hold out a hand to the torn boy, eager for his answer.

Harry (gaping): I never knew… (he looks at the blue-haired weirdoes hopefully)

McGonagall: No, Harry! You mustn't! Think of Sirius!

He turns from the welcoming looking people to his godfather, who is still caught under the spell of the Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object. He thinks of all Sirius has sacrificed for him and his friends, but at the same time can't help but recall the night his parents were murdered and how his mother saved his life. He takes a step towards the aliens.

Ron: Harry, no!

Even Draco and Snape, Potter's enemies, look worriedly at him. They are obviously on the dog's side.

McGonagall: Come back to us, Harry, come back!

And Harry did.

Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: YOU POO!

The aliens hiss angrily at the boy, and the floating thing bobs around madly in the air, clearly frustrated.

Snape: That's the first favorable thing you've done at Hogwarts, Potter.

McGonagall: Good going, Harry! You have made us all very proud, once again!

Harry grins, looking proud of himself and totally forgets about the alien beings…

Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: You'll pay for this; all of you will! SINGO SONGO!

A horrific and sinister beam of red light shoots from the white ball and engulfs the three students, who had been celebrating Harry's choice. This demonic ray make Sirius and SiriousB1 snap out of the spell in which they had been trapped and gasp as the flying thing begins to make a noise. It was a menacing laughter that had quite noticeably not been practiced.

Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: Come, fellow Hairball-ians! We flee!

Following the terrifying red ray the floating thing created, is a powder blue light that fills the room, blinding everyone. When it clears, the floating ball and the blue-haired aliens have vanished.

Ron (rubbing his eyes): What the heck just happened?

Snape: Where did they go?

Harry (turning to his godfather and the Yank): I chose your side. Now you must explain everything without the truth potion.

SiriousB1 (nodding): Indeed, Harry. You made the right choice.

Draco: First, riddle me this: What was that red beam that surrounded Harry, Ron and me?

The two B.A.R.F. members look at each other and gulp.

Sirius: That was a spell filled with great and terrible power. It is the Karaoke Curse (everyone gasps). Any minute now, the three of you will start singing songs that everyone loves, but you will sing them so badly that no one will be able to stand it.

The three students look nervously at each other and clamp their hands over their mouths, determined not to utter a single note or lyric.

McGonagall: Going back to Ron's and Severus's questions, what was that light thing and where are the aliens?

SiriousB1: That light was one of the members of Hairball's High Court. I believe he was the Grand Vizier, rather, the Royal Adviser.

Sirius: Undoubtedly he used his awesome powers to return them all to Planet Hairball and report their findings.

Harry: Why was he so calm when talking about Professor Lupin, if he is on their side?

Sirius: It is our unfortunate duty to tell you that Remus Lupin was kidnapped while on a mission not a week ago. That is why SiriousB1 and I were to meet earlier today.

Snape: So you were planning on rescuing him?

SiriousB1 (nodding): Yes, for it is our job to protect the lives of all dogs and dog-lovers, no matter the cost.

Ron: Why did you…

Whatever Ron was going to ask was never revealed for, at that instant, he and his fellow classmates all started hiccupping like they had never hiccupped before!

Sirius: And so it begins!

The teachers gape at the students in shock while the two B.A.R.F. members shake their heads in sadness. And so it does indeed begin:

Harry: My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch! He tells me every day!

Ron (interrupting): 'Cause I'm just a girl who can't say no…

Draco (also interrupting): We're men, manly men! We're men in tights, yes! We go around the forest looking for fights!

The three suddenly realize the chaos of the many different songs and form a huddle like one would see should one attend a football game. As the four others look on, they see a sight that strikes terror into their hearts: Draco, Ron and Harry have suddenly gone into suggestive poses and are singing a song that is just as famous as Bill Clinton's sex scandals, and just as desperate.

Harry, Ron and Draco (continuing to strike suggestive poses): Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

McGonagall, Snape, Sirius and SiriousB1: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

As the boys continue the song, perform the can-can, and end in a series of acrobatic spectacles, the others begin whispering about how to stop the madness.

Sirius (drowning out Ron's shouts of random Disney songs): I have a plan…

Draco (unsuspecting of the plot): How much is that doggie in the window?

Harry (also unsuspecting): I don't get kicks from champagne…

Snape (quite suddenly): Sing "Blue" by Eiffel 65!

Ron: I'm blue, da ba de da ba di!

SiriousB1: No, sing "I Will Survive"!

Draco: At first I was afraid, I was petrified…

McGonagall: No, "Rock 'n' Roll All Night"!

Harry: I wanna' rock 'n' roll all night and party every day…

Sirius: Screw all those…sing "Back in Black"!

As the four shout out requests at random, Harry, Ron and Draco seem to barely manage to keep up with the songs.

Ron (tiredly): Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you…

Harry (even more tiredly): Hey, you, get off of my cloud…

Draco (the most tired of all): 'Cause I'm big, blonde and beautiful…

Without further singing, the three collapsed to the ground, panting, but looking rather happy.

Harry: Thanks for…

Draco: …breaking the…

Ron: …singing curse.

There were cheers from the four and sighs of relief from the students.

SiriousB1: Now that that's over with, my British partner and I have a question for you all…

Sirius (agreeing): We would like to know if you, who have chosen the side of the dogs, wish to help us fight in our battle against the horrors of cats!?

McGonagall: The choice, for me, does not need a second thought: I would be glad to join you.

Snape: And I!

Ron, Harry, and Draco: Us as well!

Sirius (clapping his hands together): Perfect! Then, come! We must now take you to our headquarters were all our plans are waiting to be seen!

Harry: Wait!

SiriousB1: Yes?

Harry: Well, what about…?

They all look over at the sleeping Crabbe, Goyle and Dumbledore. Each of them look happy enough, but none of them know when the spell will wear off.

Snape: It would be a shame to wake them…

Draco: Yes, it would. I mean, they could be dreaming about something really good!

McGonagall: Very well…Obliviate!

The light form her wand hits the sleeping beauties straight on, making it very hard to doubt that the memory erasing spell would work.

Sirius: Very good, Minerva! Off we go then…to the Batmobile!

SiriousB1: We have a Batmobile?

Sirius: Er, no…

McGonagall: However we get to your headquarters, I call a seat next to Severus!

All but McGonagall: SWEATDROP!

Ron: What exactly are you implying, Professor?

Snape: Yes, Minerva, what are you implying?

McGonagall: Uh…let's go, shall we?

And so they go, exiting Hogwarts (not carrying about classes, students or homework assignments) and set off towards none other than Hagrid's Hut.

Next Chapter:  
To the Batmobile! The dog-loving adventurers are on their way to certain danger and trouble…but, hell! They'll manage! Who is this new undercover member? Where is Lupin exactly, and what is keeping him there? Is the B.A.R.F. headquarters as sanitary as it first appears? Find out these things and more in the next chapter of Killing Mrs. Norris: Fire Hydrants, Torture and What Not to Wear.


End file.
